(Not So) Great Expectations

While I try to begin each day with fresh hope and excitement, believing an amazing new career is just a few clicks away, as I scroll through countless job boards, those emotions are continually replaced by feelings of depression and inadequacy.

When did one single employee need to wear so many hats? I'm all for multi-tasking, heck, I've been known to unlock doors with my feet during a conference call while icing two dozen cupcakes. But as my job search continues, companies seem to keep upping the ante and I'm left wondering whose expectations are so unrealistic: the potential employers' or my own?

It is hard to keep one's spirits up when job descriptions are filled with seemingly-impossible-to-meet requirements such as:

Key skills should include (but are not limited to!) the following:
  • Must be prepared to spay and neuter C-level executives' pets
  • Ideal candidate will welcome harsh, at-times blistering criticism
  • Should be available evenings, weekends, holidays and sometimes during the wee hours of the morning
  • Ability to tap dance on command not required but helpful
  • Incumbent will possess software prowess of Bill Gates, singing ability of Billy Joel and charisma of Billy Dee Williams.
  • Encyclopedic knowledge of all things insurance, investment and intestine-related mandatory
  • Must have Long Island Medium-like ability to foresee problems and eliminate them before they occur.
  • Bonus points for never using the bathroom or taking a lunch break
  • Capacity to exude child-like enthusiasm while completing mundane tasks a plus 
  • Should be willing to taste-test CEO's lunches to ensure maximum freshness
  • Applicants with Stephen Hawking-ish research abilities will be given top priority
  • Potential candidates will be able to do spot-on Steve Urkel impressions at a moment's notice.
  • Oral and written skills should contain a "Mark Twain-meets-Kurt Vonnegut" wit and style
  • Capable of training pigeons to avoid top-level executive parking deck most desirable
Ok, so I embellished 70 percent of these but I did just apply for a job that required those interested to have a "high tolerance for ambiguity." Great, I love ambiguity, it's right up there with dizziness and profound confusion. Of the 20 resumes I submitted last week, I'll bet this place will be the only one to contact me. There's no ambiguity about that.


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